Late 2023
Just moments ago
I was
On the rocks,
Poised to dive in
And still doubting,
After so much time, such a long stretch of time – it seemed to last forever almost, almost until I
died really, maybe it was even longer than that, which seems impossible –
So much time spent testing the
Water with an outstretched toe,
Trembling in fear for my life,
Trembling in fear of living
Like
A tortured Goldilocks
(‘What if it’s too hot? What if it’s too cold?’)
And who can say if that time was wasted?
Just pick up one shell, just one among endless sea-smoothed pebbles,
And hold it to your ear.
Can you hear the sea’s voice?
Speaking without words, with whispers which are gravelly, and laughs, and long, drawn-out sighs, wave after wave, the story of everything, an invisible tapestry, weaving and waving,
Crashing against the shore of your mind,
Crashing and caressing the rocks
Which stand still
Still eroding.
Perhaps every decision is a million years in the making –
A slab of stone that melted.
So, as I swim now,
Hearing the ecstatic shriek of gulls wheeling overhead,
Held by clouds and air,
Perhaps there is no need for regret.
I am swimming, swimming, swimming,
Into the ocean’s arms.
The beginning of this poem was written on a train on the way to see Deborah Haywood who is a talented writer and film-maker and, lucky for me, a lovely friend. We met at Warwick University where we were both studying for Masters degrees. The Masters ended up feeling like a bit of a waste of time to me but without it I would not have meant Debs or Sonia Trickey, another multi-talented creative person, who writes and teaches, two people without whose friendship my life would be significantly less interesting and rich (strange to say this given how little time we’ve actually spent together). So maybe it is more accurate to say that bit of life sowed seeds which took a while to take root and bear fruit. Maybe time is never wasted. Finding time to visit a friend simply because I wanted to see them felt fresh and exciting, chosen in a new way. Free. Usually, up until this moment in my life, if I were visiting someone it would be family which, although lovely, carried different associations for me, and maybe felt a bit less free. This new free feeling linked to a broader experience in my life, alluded to on my about page, of mid-life awakening, of feeling as though I was belatedly discovering that the way to become the person I wanted to be was to reach out and touch and change the world and let myself be touched and changed by it.
If you like the poem, you might want to check some of the more recent ones displayed on my poetry page. Let me know if you would prefer me to post poems here before archiving them there. I really do not know what I am doing here, so any feedback you have time to give would be great.
Yes To All Of It 